It’s 12 days until my birthday and as I creep up to birthday number 39. Eeekkk! I can’t help but feel guilty.
Why would I feel guilty?
Well if you read my IVF post, you know that I have spent most of my 30’s trying to get pregnant. I have put my body through an awful lot. After our last failed transfer in December, I decided to take a break for a while.
We had a call with our doctor in January, which afterward put me in a little bit of funk for the next week or so. He told us that;
- We first should do a dummy transfer to see if the embryo is being transferred at the correct time. Also at this time, they can adjust medications.
- Then we can do our last embryo transfer
- If that doesn’t work then we can talk surrogate and other options
Well, after that call I decided to continue with my break. I couldn’t even process starting the whole process again. The whole thing just made me feel overwhelmed and exhausted all over again. Plus we have one last embryo, it’s almost like I want to keep him/or her safe and…well frozen.
Instead, I have been focusing on myself.
And, I feel very guilty for not continuing our IVF journey. So even though I feel great, I also feel bad if that makes sense.
It sounds so silly I know. But maybe some of you out there understand.
I have spent years thinking, doing, trying, everything to get pregnant and it’s so refreshing to just not think about it for a while. I like this current state of being in this bubble. I just don’t want to think about having children or doing anything related to IVF.
But, time is ticking.
I have never thought about my age. I look and feel young so it never really mattered to me. But being almost 39 and not having children is really freaking me out.
But with that said, I’m really enjoying so much my current state of feeling GREAT, and not feeling like I’m a zombie, tired, gross, bloated, etc.
So yes, it’s been really nice to have the opportunity to work from home, not set an alarm, do want I want to do, work out, even use eye creams that you can’t use while doing IVF, taking supplements that are not approved during IVF, taking long baths, reading, just things that make me feel good.
So as you can see I’m torn. Has anyone else felt this same way?
I hate to say it but even with feeling so guilty, I’m just not in a rush to do anything about it. I do think this is a well-deserved break and I will figure out what to do when I’m good and ready.
A big thank you for reading. I just had to get it all out on “paper”, so it means a lot to me.
Until next time,